Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

How to woo a woman

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets