Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

rapatouille

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.