I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
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Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Shower sex be like:
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka