I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
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[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
wut hotdog?
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.