I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
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*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”