I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
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My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.