I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
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I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo