I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
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Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.