Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.