I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
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Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?