I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
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Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
this is one of the funniest videos of all time