Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Real House Wines.

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

nothing saves money like being antisocial

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

I need a long hot meteor shower

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.