I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
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[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.