I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
You Might Also Like
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
plums roundup
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Probably my best painting.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-