Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

This seems like peak sibling energy

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.