I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Yes 😂
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face