I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.