Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

At an art museum and I thought this was art

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

being a writer on Twitter:

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby