I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Come back with a warrant
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶