I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.