I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
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*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.