I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
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Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?