I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
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I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.