I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
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I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.