Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

ㅤ

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]