I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
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Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby