Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

It has been 3 years since Monday.