Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)

this is what they would have looked like, though

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

There is no “ea” in Tim.