Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

what does he know…

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail