No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
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I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out