Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

Look Ma, no handle on things

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?

Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.