Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.