Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

I got soap in my shower beer again.

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

this is one of the funniest videos of all time

Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.

Hubs: I’ll carry you!

6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!

Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!

6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.