Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

Hey Fugeddaboutit

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.