I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
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i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
is nasa ok
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
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Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
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