I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
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Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.