Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.

On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.