Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are no pants in heaven.

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*