Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —