I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
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That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here