Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

just having fun

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.