I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
You Might Also Like
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.