I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
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All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
😬
