I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
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I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
