Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

Friends: Come have a drink with us!

Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.

Friends: C’mon, just one!

Me: Okay, maybe just one…

[ 11 drinks later ]

Me:

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

Me: i need a copy of this key.

hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.

me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?