Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine

Whoa 😂

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.