I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
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Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Festive toon…
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.