I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
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By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
This is why I hate group projects
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
This squirrel eats better than I do
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.