I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
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The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”