I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
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*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
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Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
beware of dog
(jukin media)
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
#winning
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Breaking news:
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coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney