I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
You Might Also Like
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.