I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
synchronized noseblowing
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle