I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
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If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket