I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
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(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
how DARE
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”