Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?