Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-