I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
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I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Just this preview of the story is enough
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
☠️ ☠️
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
