Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….

Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?

Her: Wow!

“Bigotry”

-an Italian guy describing an oak

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.