Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

same vibe as tangled headphones

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”