i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
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“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
“i am a sweet baby”
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.