Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.