I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
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How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
liiiiiiiiike
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.