I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
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The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
How do horror writers compete with current events?
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.