Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.