I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
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In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion