Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”