I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
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I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I saw this ending much differently.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person