I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
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I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.