I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
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“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
“i miss shittin on people”
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do