i was dropped as an adult
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Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad