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Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.