i was dropped as an adult
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Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
what kind of cook setting is this??
