I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
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One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
⚰
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
What if all the cashiers are married?
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear