Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

Does beer think about me too?