Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.