Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

sigh

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

Imagine me naked.

Wrong. Fatter.

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss