Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

Me My dog

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.