I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
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Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly