I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
You Might Also Like
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
absolute chaos
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.