I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
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My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I am thick and tired. 🙄
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful