Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense

Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”